In Defense of Going Wild!

Jaclyn Friedman talks about how she was “one of those girls”, who went to parties and took her shirt off, had sex with someone on the first meeting and lost her virginity at the age of 15 without feeling regret. She talks about her wild party nights and having fun and letting loose. The media, teachers, and your own mother will talk about how getting wild at these parties puts you at risk to get raped. The problem with teaching girls this is, “Rape is NOT a risk inherent in unregulated partying or sexual behaviour.”
It took me a while to figure out what she meant by this. Then I realised that again ONLY WOMEN were getting taught not to get “wild” out at parties, and not to let yourself get out of control. There were no men learning these lessons and no restrictions on their partying or drinking. They are free to get smashed, party with whoever, fuck whomever they would like and there is no overly-serious consequences.
So… is this society again keeping a tight hold on women’s sexuality? You f***ing bet. “If women were just as free as men to go a little crazy on their own terms, things would fall apart.” If women were allowed from day one to get wild at parties what would become of Girls Gone Wild? It would be normal.
By teaching women that we need to inhibit our “wild side” and not teaching men the same thing, we are putting men’s pleasure above women’s yet again. We are then left with what to teach EVERYONE to keep themselves safe. Instead of always saying, “women control how much you drink cause you will get raped.”, how about we say, “men control how much you drink cause you might rape someone.” After all studies have shown that it’s more likely that male rapists have been drinking than that his female victim has. We need to stop the blaming and shaming of women and start holding rapists responsible.
The main cultural messages we need to give to women is #1 that RAPE IS NOT YOUR FAULT. In all my years in high school or middle school or even university, I had never heard that term. I will admit that before this class I was one of those people sitting at home watching TV and wondering what the rape victim was wearing. It was a judgmental thing and it was also a cautionary thing. I was in my own head trying to figure out if she “asked for it” and also was trying to make a mental note to not wear what she was wearing. After being in this class I am so disappointed in myself for how I used to think and how the media has the ability to blame the victims. So in the end we need to teach women that no matter what they are wearing, what and how much they are drinking, however many guys you flirt or dance with it is NOT their fault. Also another major point is to learn to defend yourself from sexual coercion and assault. Teach women that their bodies can be used for protection. Yes in some ways this is making women responsible for their own defense but in this society where the rapists still aren’t being punished accordingly, women should learn accordingly. Can you imagine a world where a rapist was actually worried about getting hurt from a victim? I would love to someday live in that world.
Women do need to be taught that they still live in a world where they are more at risk to be sexually assaulted, coerced or raped, but they don’t need to be taught to inhibit their lives or pleasure in order to do so.
Janna

 

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9 thoughts on “In Defense of Going Wild!

  1. Greg says:

    As a male, I think most men forget the difference between a: Party, Rape, Orgy, or Gangbang! If people would be upfront in what they are looking for, I wonder what a Facebook Event would really look likes?

    “Come Buy Around 8pm, Drink Until 2am and Then Fuck Your Friends With Out Enthusiastic Consent. Oh Don’t Forget Your iPhone, Instagram Pic’s Are A Must”.

    I agree with the posts and articles. We do need to reenforce to women that RAPE is NOT there fault… Some people will not like what I’m about to say!

    If your going to talk to males about this, I think the vocabulary of RAPE needs to be changed, sexual assault doesn’t cut it either. As a Male I have heard the word RAPE to often it’s become background noise. I feel as a man the word has to deal with us losing something. Think about Drunk Driving… The Charge is: Impaired Operation Of A Motorized Vehicle and Driving Over .08mg.

    You can’t argue “I was not that drunk” the Charge is Quantitative now.

    I don’t claim to know the answers but I have been there when women are partying and it has gotten wild… I think men need to take responsibility for there own behaviour and when they can’t peers need to step in and SHUT THE GUY DOWN! I would rather be a Buzz Kill then a Witness!

    This Class has made me look at myself differently. “I didn’t really think about how we got our laws and how we treat each other, I am committing to changing the way I interact with women and give that second to pause and try to see it from another angle”

    You ladies have been great to hangout and chat with, thanks for putting up with the old guy in the class!

    Greg

  2. justjulia says:

    Awesome post Janna. I loved this essay and you did a great job of summarizing. I had also never thought about the fact that men are never told to control their drinking and partying so that they don’t rape someone! We are systematically, culturally conditioned to believe that our pleasure is less important than men’s! When a truth like that smacks you in the face it’s hard to not be extremely angry. I also hope we can live in a world where rapists fear retaliation from their victims.

  3. Mariah Swaine says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more on this post Janna. Nothing angers me more when someone gets raped and some people automatically start asking questions like: “Well were they leading the guys on?” or “Oh they were drunk too so they were pretty much asking for it.” We have to stop seeing the victim of the one that is responsible for what happened to them when that is definitely not the case. I love the part where you wrote you’d like to someday live in a world where a rapist is actually worried to get retaliation from the victim and I’m with ya! That would be totally badass.

  4. rwoohoo says:

    I’d also love to live in a world where rapist were afraid to get their asses kicked, but I’d even more love to live in a world where women didn’t need to take self defense because rape was a thing of the past. I believe this starts by first education men and women at a young age about all things sexual: consent, pleasure, attraction etc.

  5. fembu14 says:

    I agree with your post as well. Before taking this class, I had never realized just how often victim blaming takes place. It definitely stems from how society teaches women the ways to avoid rape. So if women are always told not to go out late at night, drink too much, be too flirty or wear short skirts then of course people are going to blame them for not taking these ‘precautions’. Like you mentioned Janna, I too would wonder what these victims were wearing, or did to provoke these men, etc. Now I’m shaking my head for questioning something so ridiculous. Rape is never the victims fault, maybe it is about time society sheds some light on that fact.

    -Cierra

  6. fembu14 says:

    Awesome post Janna! You summed it up really well. As a girl with an older brother, I experienced these types of patriarchial views when it came to drinking and partying from most of my family. The talks about drinking and partying were basically on seperate ends of the spectrum with my parents always making sure I text them, cover myself up and not too drink too much just incase something happens. For my brother, it was basically a “see you later” on his way out of the door. I’ve never really thought about how different the pressures for women to be cautious about being raped were. I think it is ridiculous that girls get blamed for being raped over things such as their clothing or being “too wasted”. These stigmatizations need to be stopped asap! I think women should be able to go to a bar, get as wasted as men, and not have to be insanely worried about men taking advantage of them having a good time.

    Michelle E.

  7. Carissa Taylor says:

    Hey all,

    A friend posted this article, which I want to share with all of you: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/03/03/285307535/mens-drinking-isnt-the-driver-of-sexual-aggression-in-bars?utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=npr&utm_campaign=nprnews&utm_content=03032014

    I thought that it was incredibly interesting, and actually went against some of the things that I had thought in the past. We all know that alcohol lowers inhibitions, so I assumed that it meant that people were able to act on things that they normally wouldn’t, including sexual assault. Instead, the article suggests that drinking has more effect on singling out the female victims for men. Rather than “I am drunk so have a hard time controlling these primal urges” the thought pattern seems to be “she’s drunk so it will be harder for her to say no”. This is incredibly problematic. But again, the onus should be on the rapists not to rape, rather than on women to live their lives as potential victims.

  8. Amy Johnson says:

    The idea that women are made to feel that being raped is their fault is horrible. I think that men should be taught just as much as women are about how to prevent rape because so much of rape is committed by men! So why are they not being taught about how to prevent themselves from raping women? Women shouldn’t be forced to cage themselves to avoid being raped.

  9. fembu14 says:

    Awesome post! I think its terrible that woman are the ones told to watch what and how much they drink and for guys its a competition of who can drink the most! Girls like to have fun too and I think its very unfair that we are limited on the amount of fun we can have! I say us women dress in our meanest biker gear, get hammered, and scare the shit out of rapists. Who’s in?!

    Kristie

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